38. No fantasy. (2013)

(Following a serious surgery in 2012, I could barely walk, my left foot didn’t work, I was taking pain medicine I hated, and couldn’t think clearly about anything that I loved. None of it made any sense, but none of that made any difference. If I stopped, it all stopped.
For better or worse, I didn’t.)


Guilt has smothered the last breath of love.

Pain has eclipsed happiness, and neutralized fear.

…They. …Have. …Flatlined.

Anything… worth, feeling.

My attempts to reclaim my mind have driven far too much attention towards others, and far too much away from myself.

Selfish hands have strangled the Naeman lion, driven the stake into the heart of the last Vampire;

Guilt and pain have proven, that when met in sharpest form,

it is safer to relent than resist.

Waiting for the clouds to lift quickly became a snake eating its tail;

The flaw, you see,

was believing

something worthwhile

lived behind them.

No fantasy, will save me, from me.