2. Beep-Beep. (1999)

One day I was riding my bicycle down the street when some idiot and his girlfriend in a very nerdy jeep tried to veer me into the cars parked alongside us. It was a perfect east coast spring day- cool and sunny. I had a sweatshirt on, and it must have made me look a bit younger than I actually was. Usually bullies only mess with young kids and old people.

I avoided hitting the cars, not for the lack of him trying, and so as what I thought was a passive retort, I rode in the center of the street making it briefly impossible for him to pass by. I was pissed, but was intent on enjoying my day. I was on my way to a friends’ house, so I was just going to inconvenience him for a minute and then turn off towards my destination.

A spectacular plan until I heard what sounded like a loudspeaker in my ear: “Get out of the road you stupid fuck! I’d love to just run you over but my Jeep’s too nice! Get out of the way you loser!”

What a stupid, one-in-a-million chance. The prick that was veering me into the cars also had a megaphone with speakers set up in his jock-mobile. That alone entitles him to have something bad happen.

I now felt obligated to mention to him how stupid he was. I waited until we got up to the light and rode around to the side of his car. I was about to ask him why the hell he was fucking with me, why he had a loudspeaker in his car, why he couldn’t find something else to do on this beautiful day, how stupid his girlfriend was if she was impressed by this shit, etc. but was preempted by him shouting insults and white-kid slang at me. “You fuckin’ loser, get a god damn car. Stay out of the god damn road! Jesus, how old are you, you little bitch, riding that stupid bike around. Stay the fuck out…”

Well, that’s as far as he got. I grabbed his lions’ mane of a haircut and whacked his head off the steering wheel, causing the horn to beep and his girlfriend to scream like she was being murdered in a horror movie. “Why the fuck are you so stupid? Look what you’ve gotten yourself into! I was LEAVING, dumb fuck…” BEEP! I bonked his head off the steering wheel again, and by now he was flailing about like he was drowning, hair flying, girlfriend wailing like a lunatic, and the people at the upscale café’s along the street looking on in bewildered amazement.

At this point he was all but crying, and I hadn’t even hit him with anything except his own horn. I told him that next time he’d better be sure that the 14-yr-old he’s fucking with is actually 14, gave his head one more resounding thud off the steering wheel, told him what an asshole I thought he was, how he’d brought this all on himself, and how I hoped his girlfriend was impressed. She at this point had toned it down to a heaving sob, and he looked as if he had been scared to death, resurrected, and then hit with a small frying pan.

I rode away, suddenly realizing that it had created quite a spectacle, and definitely not wanting to explain that very unusual situation to the cops. I was at least five streets down when I turned and watched him sit thought the light changes. Twice.

I’m pretty sure he got rid of the loudspeaker, and I’m even surer that he and his girlfriend broke up and never talked again. Either that or she wore the pants (and drove the car) from that day forward.