10. Going Nowhere. (2002)

During the week, I wake up at seven. On the weekends, I wake up marginally later than that. I’ve been doing a little experiment for the past few months: When I wake up in the morning, I go about my normal routine- eat, shave my head, etc. and then I spend a minute on my couch thinking about what I actually want to do that day.

That’s when things start to get confusing. I don’t want to do anything. Everything I really want to do I can accomplish in my house, with the exception of grocery shopping which I actually enjoy. I’m not unmotivated, just uninterested. When I end up doing what I know I need to do, things move right along. Getting there right now is what is troubling me. I go to martial arts classes on the weekdays. I do enjoy that. Work, necessary. Unavoidable.

Anything else? Nope. Not interested. I think about it as if I could do ANYTHING I wanted to. Especially weekends, when I can. I live in fucking greater Los Angeles- if it’s good for anything, it’s having a cornucopia of things to do.

When I’m home, I’m always doing something, but I just honestly don’t want to go anywhere. I did 500 sit-ups today. 300 pushups. Why? When I’m in my house, I feel like I’m staying busy, waiting for the evening when I can get started on my routine, go to sleep, and start again. Doing things like that makes me feel justified spending 4 1/2 hours on a Saturday determining whether I want to walk or drive to the grocery store. And it makes me tired, which makes me feel like I accomplished something, WHICH makes me feel happy and fulfilled. So basically, the entire day is spent trying to trick myself into believing that I’m not just over-analyzing ultra-simple situations and making them difficult.

I’m so smart that I can trick myself, and so dumb that I believe it works.

What I look forward to is getting everything I need to do finished, and being home by 9:30. I read a bit, I write, put some music into the computer, check my email to make sure that my Inbox is still at zero, (it always is) and that my bulk mailbox is filled with disturbing spam (it always is). After that, I watch scary movies, get scared of the dark, and carry a switchblade from my living room to my bedroom in case there’s a murderer in the closet.

Sometimes I’ll even treat myself to hot spiced apple cider or a Stewarts Orange Cream soda. That’s how crazy I am. Sometimes it’s even –gasp!- after 10pm!! All that excitement in just ONE DAY!
How can any one person handle all that fun?

I just have to take it all in stride and not get ahead of myself.